WIIFM (What’s In It For Me) is the motivation radio station for deciding: “am I going to dance to this action or not?” WIIFM is asked when (for environmental action) getting out of bed in the morning, when starting – or finishing a task (even for work!), and, deciding the type of (symbiotic) relationship to create with yourself, and others.
The answer to What’s In It For Me is always about whether needs (or wants) or met for actions and relationships. What exactly IS a relationship?
Mother Nature’s Symbiosis tied to Identity
Mother Nature defines relationships through symbiosis: a win, lose or some combination for each of the individuals involved.
Mother Nature seems to make the intent of each relationship simple: based on the identity of the organism (and based on the environment) depends on whether an organism will ‘win’ or ‘lose’ in the interaction. It’s also about the community winning (or losing).
Sure there is parasitism (a Win for one, Lose for the other) in Mother Nature. Actions are based on meeting basic needs (like food!). Overall, the intent is Win-Win for the community. For one individual to succeed ALL must succeed – even when someone gets eaten for food ( a definite! lose for them.)
Human Nature Symbiosis is a Choice based on Emotions
In our EMOTIONAL Human Nature world, symbiosis is NOT based on our identity. Interactions and relationships with others is a CHOICE resulting in WIN-WIN: Mutualism, or, WIN-LOSE: Parasitism or more commonly competition. Emotion sways the choice: individual identity is either protected (win-lose) or promoted (win-win) . (This does NOT include war and Hate Crimes and other acts of violence – for now we can keep it simpler.).
WIIFM answers needs – competing for emotional protection means the competitor is protecting their identity by making the other lose. Sometimes I think competition (not for food/safety) is as much about NOT losing (identity). Protection is the ‘win’. What do you think???
Choice based on emotion means symbiosis can be examined, understood and even changed using the Scientific Method.
We CAN create win-wins – if it meets our needs. The key is understanding WHY we turn to competition/parasitism. Go ahead – state your thoughts aka hypothesis.
It’ starts with ‘hello’ or a look/glance:
Too often we see someone and make a quick hypothesis of who they are and what they think (about us). BOOM – we act based on this assumption.
Personally, I’ve been ignored based on my appearance and being a ‘visitor’ -no answers even to my questions (about them) have left me feeling lonely (in settings I thought I’d be welcomed!).
It’s more than appearance – even having different experiences (or thoughts – think politics in this current time) can create assumptions – and a win-LOSE interaction – by NOT interacting.
This is how all great romance movies and novels start!
Jane Austin’s Pride and Prejudice, Rom-Coms and Hallmark movies are great at showing this: that negative first impression laced with fear and protecting identity. The meanness shield comes up and the win-lose competition brews. And THEN, the protective competitor going for the the other to LOSE, learns more about this person they ‘fear’. This learning creates the fertile soil for growing a win-win relationship. This win-win becomes their love story, and it could be for each of us also!
Keep in mind Lizzie Bennet and Mr. Darcy… This is how it started – NOT how it ended
Emotions and actions/words are assumptions.
Observe and listen to your emotions: what comes to mind in interactions? WHY is this what comes to mind?
Fear of losing identity? That OMG – is the other person better? Or maybe you imagine what you think they are thinking about you? You THINK they might think you’re not so great. Not so great because one of you is different, an outsider (the basis of xenophobia!).
It’s normal! IF you think these thoughts – IF you fear not being seen/heard/understood and/or appreciated – the MEANNESS/Protection shield comes up and a Win-Lose relationship is created.
Remember though, this is all YOUR hypothesis – now it’s time to experiment! Just because you assume doesn’t mean you have to compete – you can learn about the other person!
This could have been how Pride and Prejudice ended – but then it would NOT have been the masterpiece it is!
Putting up a shield of protection to claim a ‘WIN’ takes many forms. Here are some conversations I’ve had (and accepted the ‘lose)’.
Emotional win-lose creates imbalances in relationships : emotional safety ( expressing feelings), and affiliation/recognition (acknowledgment of a fuller identity) decreases or is lost.
Win-Lose interactions are lonely. It may seem like a Win for the ‘expert’ but it’s a Lose for the other and a LOSE for a potential relationship.
Listen: Sounds and Words. Imagine intent:
Creating win-lose interactions takes many forms. It seems strange someone would want to WIN by feeling worse…
Claiming this ‘WIN’ might be to form a connection of shared pain. NOT listening to someone FIRST who’s expressing their pain turns this into a competition and a LOSE.
There is always more to each of us just like Mr. Darcy wasn’t who Lizzie thought he was.
Turn Prejudice to Pride and choose to learn about others: create win-win relationships. Choose love stories!
Sharing is important. Choose NOT to compete. Choose to be kind – to yourself first and then to others – create mutualistic relationships.
First – Listen and ask questions.
LISTENING creates a mutual win- win. Listening (and asking questions) is the key for win-wins since it builds safety within the relationship.
Win-Wins are give and take
Listening is important for ALL in a relationship. Beware if one person does all the talking – without inquiring about the other.
Unfortunately, I have friends who talk but don’t seem curious about me. (It’s obviously ME and my identity is secure: I don’t think of myself as boring!) The relationship becomes commensalism (see above) and lonely: They ‘WIN’ in being heard, I ‘LOSE’ in acknowledgment. Maintaining the relationship meets other needs.
Curiosity through Communication was how Lizzie learned more about Mr. Darcy. Understanding leads to Win-Win Connections
Curiosity is a relationship strength, forming connections and win-wins. Not sure how to ask questions (curiosity)? Use variables from the Scientific Method. Ask questions with WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, WHY, HOW.
Start writing your own love story: Overcome your Prejudice and assumptions. Pride is openness to listening and learning about others.
Curiosity uncovers new facts, making new hypothesis/theories.
Curiosity is the key to connection – building Win-Wins.
These questions are a guide for using variables. When in doubt, simply say: Tell me More!
I love when someone actually tells me to keep talking – to finish my ‘stuff’ before I ask about them!
Creating Mutual Win-Wins is a skill. Choose to learn. Listening is NOT a ‘LOSE’ of your Identity.
Mutual curiosity leads to win-wins. NO need for competition or fear of assumptions.
Choose to listen, be curious and support others!
Human Nature Concepts 